I had stayed up too late and was beyond exhausted. My head was heavy on the pillow and brought no rest; I felt as if I was in limbo, floating. And that’s when it suddenly happened: intense body sensations that came out of nowhere, completely taking me over.
Images filled my mind while something inside unlocked — I lay there unable to move, wide-awake in the dark bearing witness while I was split apart. My spirit, she lifted up and away, urging me to follow. My legs ached in response, unable to follow in pursuit. Come now! She called to me.
Now!
I am running down the street in the pouring rain, wearing only my nightgown. I am yelling at the top of my lungs with each powerful surge of adrenaline, pushing me further and further down the road into the dark starry night. I feel the crush of pebbles and jagged stones under my bare feet, the shocking ache in my muscles from sudden exertion. I feel untethered, out of control… and love the intense sense of danger and excitement it carries with it… it’s exhilarating. It fuels me onward.
I reach the high ridge near my home along the edge of the ocean; my pounding heart pushes me to the very top. The red powdery dirt clings like lace across my wet legs. I dig into the heights I’ve climbed, my screams echoing into the void from the depths of my heart…
Freedom!
The sense of urgency and freedom in my spirit there on the ridge was overwhelming. It was frightening and so raw, compared to the tranquil safety of my body tucked in bed back at home (or was it?). I felt young and impulsive again, completely unleashed and wild. Anything could happen. I could be anyone. Do anything. Go anywhere.
>>>>>>>
The event lasted seconds. I was acutely awake through it all, laying there with a tiger in my chest as I crashed back into my body. The sudden thrill of utter abandonment, of desire and danger, was over. Gone.
I lay in bed listening instinctively, compulsively, to the shallow breathing of my children in the next room — safe and tethered as family by the intercom… like some kind of wireless umbilical chord.
>>>>>>>
That night, in an instant, I realized that what feels so safe and tame compared to my wilder days, is actually far scarier to me than my wildness ever was – or ever could be. Motherhood is the most dangerous thing I’ve ever done.
That night, I realized all the effort that goes into creating not just a safe home (along with the required PB&J, picking up of socks and putting away of dishes, pulling children off counters and kissing bruised knees) but the very necessary elements going on behind the scenes from the chaos you see on the surface. The cocoon I must weave, day in and day out, threads of love + strife that must be strong enough to provide the metamorphosis my girls will need in order to temper their wings, to break free and FLY. To be strong enough to seek out their own desires and dangers beyond countertops and kisses. For some this may come easy, I’m sure. But for me, it’s been a challenge. To balance love + discipline not just for myself anymore, but now for precious women in the making.
That night, instead of answering the call, the longing to run out into the night and meet my spirit up there on the ridge – I called my spirit back home, crashing back into bed, where I comforted myself with images of the dusty red lace on my wet legs… I lay there conjuring up nights of abandon, breathing deep the ambrosia of the ocean air from times long past under a starry sky… knowing my girls were safe and sound in the bed that I made for them, delicate wings tucked in tight.
Preparing for dangers of their own. 
